Double Vision

My friend Ryan shares his insight on what I believe to be the secret to gratitude!

It's Monday morning. You wake up to the sound of your alarm. You hop in the shower, throw on your clothes, grab a little something for breakfast, walk the dog and you're off to work. You're driving in the car, listening to your favorite song, cruising on the interstate everything is going great and then it happens...traffic like you have never seen before. All lanes at a complete standstill. The thought that comes into your head is "are you f'ing kidding me! I can tell the way this day is gonna go." And from that point forward, the rest of your day is totally based upon your negative attitude. The day becomes "a day from hell."
Coming from me, an extremely faith driven, God fearing, spiritual being, and this is only my perspective, I see the devil working so diligently in so many peoples lives.
Double Vision, for me, a recovering alcoholic, used to be something that happened to me when I had to much to drink, (which too much was never enough, but that's beside the point). Now, after having turned my will and my life completely over to the care of God, I look at Double Vision from a totally different perspective.
One of my biggest inspirations and fellow friend in the program shared in a meeting one night that heaven and hell lives inside of him at all times. When a situation occurs we are given a chance to address the situation by using our Double Vision. The choice we have, is completely up to us. We can choose to view the situation from the vision of heaven, or we can choose to view the situation from the vision of hell.
Let's take a look at the traffic situation. The vision that the devil will love for us to choose, would be the vision of anger and frustration, which in turn will trickle down into everything that takes place that day and essentially ruin our whole day. We become the devils #1 player for that day, in other words, he wins. The other choice we have, which I don't see chosen very often is the spiritual, heavenly vision. In this situation for me, the first thing I would think of, is that God feels a need to work on my patience. Secondly I would think about the devil and how he will put situations in your day which will affect the way you act and think. He wants to control your life. Will you let him?
If you can make that decision to turn your will and lives over to care of God, you will begin to look at every situation from a heavenly perspective.
Since I have made my decision to do so, all situations that I encounter have began to look more like opportunities than problems. I believe all situations are meant to teach us something, just as long a we choose the correct vision.

Thrown to the lions.

About 2,500 years ago a man's decision to own his choices, and move forward in faith, brings me hope now. Now by no means am I comparing myself to the profit Daniel, in the tales of the trials he endured the reason  for his  troubles were the result of sticking to his guns when it came to his beliefs. As opposed to me where most of my troubles are a result of  me being selfish and wasted, Ouch! the truth hurts, however, now that I am aware of what caused my problems and have addressed those areas,(and continue to on a daily basis) I can now move on to how to get through them. I can now own the choices that I have made in the past instead of blaming everyone else and running away from them. Just as I choose to own my daily decision  to remain present in this moment, and have faith and hope in what the next moment will bring. I now choose to look at the lions den as a lesson, A place to practice and refine the new sight I've been gracefully given.

Want every minuet of your life.

Here, Now, and what I'm doing in this moment is where the secret to peace, joy and serenity is. Rember the bumper stickers "I'd rather be flying. skydiving, sleeping. Ect, Ect." understandable mentality, Alot of things that make up our day to day lives can seem boring or even unpleasent at times. However, If I find a positive motivation for anything and everything that, on a moment to moment basis I'm involved with. My preception shifts from geting past this minuet to get to a more pleasent one, to seeing how valuable this one is, and using it to I'ts fullest potantial.

I have to ask myself.

I have to ask myself, Why? why am I anxious, why am I angry, why am I really doing this or that? Why? why? why? I'm like a 5 year old.  The lost state I ended up in drove me to not trust my feelings anymore, because acting on my feelings always led me straight into the same mess that destroyed my former life, Why?  This was a key piece of the puzzle for me "we experience anxiety when we impose unrealistic beliefs upon ourselves, We experience anger when we impose unrealistic beliefs  upon others", Spencer Lords (the brain mechanic), You see I had two states for about 20 years, Anxious and angry or high and drunk. when I got rid of the high and drunk, and the anxious and angry was still there I wanted to know why. Thank God for the fellowship, Thank God for God, and every beautiful weirdo that had drug themselves out from behind a dumpster and  gotten sober or clean or however you want to say it. they had the answer in its simplest form, and they pointed me in the right direction. Willingness to change did the rest. allot like the way our brains fill in the gaps in our vision with what it assumes is there. my brain was filling in the gaps of my beliefs with information that was simply not true, and I excepted it as fact. As a result of this blind faith regarding my thoughts, I constantly experienced harmful negative emotions, and intern fixed those emotions/feelings the best way I knew how. Now I'm learning to check the whole thought process before I form a belief on any given situation. It took throwing away allot of  beliefs that I thought were what made me, me. truth be told the only purpose they ever served was keeping me sick. all the make it or break it statements I had like, they cant do that, I cant stand this, I wont put up with that, I have to do this, or they have to do this or that,  had to go. Tell you the truth nobody has to do anything including me,  and If there actually had been something in my life so far that I could not take, I wouldn't be writing this now. Out of the three things that guide our actions.there are situations, beliefs and feelings, there's only one  we can control. Life is always going to be life, its a constant up and down, good and bad easy and hard, the only thing that never changes is how much it changes.Negative emotions can be put up with for a period of time. they can be suppressed or ignored, but stay angry, nervous, or depressed for any serious amount of time and the old solution starts to look real good. So the only thing left is my beliefs, witch directly affect my feelings/emotions , Who says I have to get angry if you cut me off in traffic, or that I have to be anxious when I might loose my job, or I have to be depressed because I'm starting over at 40, Nobody! and if they do there lying. So I stopped putting such heavy demands on my self and others and started to choose to believe that what was happening in my life was exactly what was supposed to be happening, and then I simply move forward in faith and love.

Walk through fire.

My first step into recovery was a cold turkey detox on a country jail cell floor. the poison leaked, seeped, spewed, and exploded out of mostly every orifice of my shaking body, EWWW!. Two of the substances that I was involuntarily quitting can kill you in the detox process, and the others in combination caused auditory, visual, and tactile hallucinations. hell, and that's it. Is how I would explain that experience. My original views on how recovery was going to change my life served a great purpose, however, the life that my eyes are opening up to now, I could have never imagined. I cant help but study the path that has brought me from there to here, I cant help but examine the awakenings and breakthroughs that are responsible for this new life that is being formed almost on a day to day basis.Yesterday I read a sentence, "Adversity fuels a fire prosperity could never form". These words hit so close to home with me they gave me chills. Wow! am I becoming grateful for every beating Ive received  mentally, Physically, emotionally, and spiritually? Well... Yes! My initial motivation for getting sober was to get rid of all the lame consequences that leading a reckless life wasted bring about, and it worked! Yes there are residuals, but now that I can feel my feelings I see that life's trials, and walking through them is what makes me a better me. Not just a better me but a powerful me, a peaceful me. That's what I always wanted, and could never achieve because every time an obstacle  appeared in my life I ran full speed in the opposite direction.This went on and on until I ended up cornered and there was no where to go except forward. Forward through the fire, sober, no matter how bad I thought it was going to hurt. funny thing, It only hurt half as much as I had expected,and when I arrived at the other side still alive and stronger, I wasn't as afraid of the next flaming hoop I was supposed to leap through.. There was something else I hadn't predicted, other people. Other people walking through the fire with me. They help me and I help them, and the feeling I get when I help others is what Ive grown to enjoy the most. Brothers and sisters my bottom was low, and dark but that's not what makes this work. What makes it work is willingness to change. I was just so stubborn that I had to experience true pain in order to see the path to peace. My birth into recovery had to be a cesarean section or I would have died, and now I see so clearly that I was never meant to put what I had back together, but learn there was something entirely new and beautiful that I was to become.

Mice and Monsters.

So many sleepless nights in my past, so many times I swore disaster was eminent. I could worry myself sick, and so I did, literately.  Looking back at all the bullets Ive managed to dodge, Ive begun to see a pattern.            My obsessive worry and anxiety never served any purpose outside of making me and everyone else around me ill, and the monster of a problem was never as terrible as I had made it out to be in my dramatic fantasy's of  horror and suffering. I mean seriously, If somebody looked at me funny, I could conjure up the most ridicules worst case scenario outcome that was possible, worry then panic then act on unfounded beliefs and make everything 10 times worse. this became a habitual way of  thinking and acting  for me. It took certain problems of a truly serious nature to wake me up enough to break this habit. In the course of 20 years of addiction and the mess that I created along side of it, Ive experienced just about every lose lose situation you could imagine. this pattern perpetuated itself. until finally at 40 I have an impending prison sentence to consider. All of my past dilemmas pale in contrast to my current situation. HOLD ON, here's the blessing in the mess. all of the end of the world deals that I lived through in the past, are now my instruction manuals on how not to handle this seemingly imposable self rendered nightmare.Through this experience I have been given so much insight on what truly matters, as opposed to what I tend to think/believe matters, that I have a peace that defies all understanding. So nowadays when I'm scared I have to ask myself is this a mouse or a monster I'm so afraid of , and even if it really is a monster, when I move forward in faith and love, God will carry me through, always.  I.'m here to tell you, even through the worst of sobriety, I've never had it so good!  

Quiet is the new loud.

I can remember so many frantic attempts to get a scene of comfort. I would tell everyone I saw about my new plan and how I really had it figured out this time. Talk and think, think and talk. So many words, so many thoughts, and I was never really accomplishing anything. How was it that my mind and mouth were full of solutions, conclusions, and resolutions, my life was full of chaos, and I always had a sinking feeling that everyone else thought I was full of you know what?
After many years of pain and confusion It finally became time for me to get QUIET. Quiet inside and out. Gratitude, brought me to this revelation, I saw that in the endless proclaiming, exclaiming, and explaining of my wants and intentions, I was completely missing the most important thing, what I already had.  when I focused on where I was, and not where I wanted to go, I began to enjoy a peaceful lack of words. I began to realize that I could accomplish so much without alot of hype. I could convince the people around me of my intentions without talking about it. Better yet I was convincing myself that I could follow through with my goals without so much thought, and the endless BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, BOOLA, BOOLA, BOOLA! That had left me so frustrated with myself. By simply removing myself from the center of the universe , loving what I already have and moving forward in faith. I can now speak in a loud, truthful, and convincing voice without saying a word. 

The 26 mile and 385 yard view.

Situations, predicaments, obstacles, and pains in the neck, however you want to say it. life is full of them, but without these twists and turns that require planning, action, intuition, and faith. How would I ever develop these necessary skills to build a life of peace and serenity. "I just cant deal with anymore problems, I swear I'm going to snap!" used to be my mantra. Nowadays I make myself laugh Imagining a marathon runner complaining the whole course of his race. "stupid ground! why dose it have to be so hard? and whoever came up with the idea of a 26 mile and 385 yard run, was a jerk! that's to long! why cant I decide where the finish line goes? why do my muscles have to hurt? I'm tired. why wont that guy in front of me slow down? sounds ridiculous when you look at it that way, but never the less this is how I hear many people including myself, confront adversity in our day to day lives. Funny thing happens when I switch my focus from what's so impossible to handle, to what I can do, and giving the things I have no control of, over to faith. all of the sudden I feel empowered instead of anxious. Here's my formula, Fear+anxiety+frustration divided by Action+faith+Patience = serenity.  So I'll leave the 26 mile and 385 yard view up to god. Worrying about results, and reasons has never really gotten me anywhere except frustrated and ready to give up. Focus, on the here and now,  how I can help my fellow human, and the good I can do, always and I mean always opens up new possibilitys to grow and achieve a new kind of success I've never imagined.

Gratitude's Contrast

Like alot of people from my generation, I can remember my Mom and Dad telling me, "Finnish your dinner, don't you know there's children starving in Africa? ".  At the time this meant absolutely nothing to me.  Why would it? back then, and to this day Ive not come anywhere close to starving to death, Tell you the truth I cant remember the last time I even went a little hungry for any particular reason. So how can I expect to be able to wrap my head around the idea that I should be so very grateful for the humblest of any meal that I may receive? I suppose I cant, This is something I must seek out. You see I'm on a spiritual journey now, and part of that is trying to understand why myself and so many other people are disturbed, depressed, lost, the list goes on and on. Have I become so de-sensitized to the core things that I really need, that I simply take them for granted without even questioning the amazing circumstances that go into my cup running over and over, every day of my life?, frankly YES! This is an exercise that I do every now and then to snap myself back into reality. I hold my breath ,10 seconds go by, and now my main focus is no longer on whatever It was that I thought I couldn't live without. 15 seconds, I am no longer interested in what I was supposed to be doing or where I was going. 20 seconds, I no longer care about my car my job and a number of things that until my recent lack of oxygen were so very important to me. 30 seconds go by and the ONLY thing I'm concerned with is taking a breath of this air that has been given to me free of charge for 40 years.  Perhaps I should try fasting every now and then? Would that give birth to a deeper appreciation of the meals that I expect to be on time, hot and delicious at my slightest fancy. So this is what I'm on about, on the gray scale of my life, in the reality of what I need to be at peace and the excess that I'm blessed with, I should be bouncing around all over the place like daffy duck, when he goes crazy, at the sheer awesomeness of my comfortable existence. but all to often I find myself wanting for more or complaining with the air that has been given to me so freely. so little by little I will continue to explore and practice new ways to keep on realizing that I've never had it so good!! Love you all!! for real..

My spiritual bank

Neck deep in the middle of trying times it can be hard to stay grateful. Certainly when I feel that I'm doing the best that I can, I am remaining humble, and have set aside my selfish nature, Day by day I step up to the home plate of  life and give it  my best swing. Here they come, curve balls, a whole lot of heat, change ups, and your occasional spitball, No Fair!! and there's no guaranty that I'm going to win this game, never mind the world series. OK enough baseball analogy's. You get my point, life's  not fair and what do I have to be grateful for when I bust my hump and keep getting the dirty end of the stick. I mean its like every days a game of cream the guy with the ball and I'm "THE GUY" and the ball is nothing more then my  humble attempt to forge out a productive living for my loving family. When I get in these kind of moods I have to bring out my precision tools. This is a trick Ive learned over 2 years of recovery while the wreckage of my past choke slams me on a daily basis. First of all I have to hit the refresh button on my attitude of surrender, remember there's only one thing I have to do perfect and that's stay sober. OK now Ive realigned myself to the truth that nowadays I suit up show up, and trust the results to a force much grater than the formerly  almighty ME. I already feel liberated. Next, I remember that the reward for my willingness, honesty, tolerance and love Is waiting for me in someplace far greater than Margate, go figure. Now this is the clutch for me, gets me out of first gear every time. I remember that beautiful sunny day I relaxed in the sun and snapped this picture of my wife her daughter and my niece jumping on a trampoline. and I thank God for that moment. Take a minute relax and find a memory that your grateful for, and If you don't have one go make one! Love you all, For real!!
   

Gratitude tune up.

So often I find myself aggravated and dissatisfied with whats going on in my life.  While this is by no means an unusual state for billions of humans around the word. I have found that this discontentment  starts with a decision that I make somewhere on the borderlines of conscious and subconscious awareness. How often do I Pray, hope and wish for a miracle to bring me the one thing  I think I need to be happy, only too soon, after receiving it, I have disregard this blessing as something that I deserve, and then its on to my next self proclaimed need. Wait a second! what happened to the "If I only had (you fill in the blank) I could relax. I received it, and now its stashed somewhere on the,"Ive got that", shelf, collecting dust.  Stop! Time to get out the Swiffer, I want to see whats on that shelf. OK, right up front there's my wife, my home, my car, and my job. Hold on! you say, I don't have any or all of those things, well neither did I until recently, but there they are, already dusty in my minds eye of how good or bad my life is. If I look a little further back there's my health, my ability to see, walk, talk, think. Hey! there's my family, I had forgotten about them,  what a blessing they are, even though they can be very annoying sometimes. Is there anything else back there? hmmmmmm? whats this? oh, that's the fact that I am alive and breathing in this moment with a God that loves me. That ones so covered with the dust of my imaginings of I-phones, flat stomachs and endless bank accounts, I cant even see it! I have found that with a little practice I can distill my gratitude down to the simplest  blessings that make me whole, and be at peace.

Important Things

This morning its off to paint the thrift store at my church, I only wish their was more time in my busy life of bills and work for things like this.

Today was great!

I got a job, and spent the day with my wonderful wife