Quiet is the new loud.

I can remember so many frantic attempts to get a scene of comfort. I would tell everyone I saw about my new plan and how I really had it figured out this time. Talk and think, think and talk. So many words, so many thoughts, and I was never really accomplishing anything. How was it that my mind and mouth were full of solutions, conclusions, and resolutions, my life was full of chaos, and I always had a sinking feeling that everyone else thought I was full of you know what?
After many years of pain and confusion It finally became time for me to get QUIET. Quiet inside and out. Gratitude, brought me to this revelation, I saw that in the endless proclaiming, exclaiming, and explaining of my wants and intentions, I was completely missing the most important thing, what I already had.  when I focused on where I was, and not where I wanted to go, I began to enjoy a peaceful lack of words. I began to realize that I could accomplish so much without alot of hype. I could convince the people around me of my intentions without talking about it. Better yet I was convincing myself that I could follow through with my goals without so much thought, and the endless BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, BOOLA, BOOLA, BOOLA! That had left me so frustrated with myself. By simply removing myself from the center of the universe , loving what I already have and moving forward in faith. I can now speak in a loud, truthful, and convincing voice without saying a word. 

The 26 mile and 385 yard view.

Situations, predicaments, obstacles, and pains in the neck, however you want to say it. life is full of them, but without these twists and turns that require planning, action, intuition, and faith. How would I ever develop these necessary skills to build a life of peace and serenity. "I just cant deal with anymore problems, I swear I'm going to snap!" used to be my mantra. Nowadays I make myself laugh Imagining a marathon runner complaining the whole course of his race. "stupid ground! why dose it have to be so hard? and whoever came up with the idea of a 26 mile and 385 yard run, was a jerk! that's to long! why cant I decide where the finish line goes? why do my muscles have to hurt? I'm tired. why wont that guy in front of me slow down? sounds ridiculous when you look at it that way, but never the less this is how I hear many people including myself, confront adversity in our day to day lives. Funny thing happens when I switch my focus from what's so impossible to handle, to what I can do, and giving the things I have no control of, over to faith. all of the sudden I feel empowered instead of anxious. Here's my formula, Fear+anxiety+frustration divided by Action+faith+Patience = serenity.  So I'll leave the 26 mile and 385 yard view up to god. Worrying about results, and reasons has never really gotten me anywhere except frustrated and ready to give up. Focus, on the here and now,  how I can help my fellow human, and the good I can do, always and I mean always opens up new possibilitys to grow and achieve a new kind of success I've never imagined.

Gratitude's Contrast

Like alot of people from my generation, I can remember my Mom and Dad telling me, "Finnish your dinner, don't you know there's children starving in Africa? ".  At the time this meant absolutely nothing to me.  Why would it? back then, and to this day Ive not come anywhere close to starving to death, Tell you the truth I cant remember the last time I even went a little hungry for any particular reason. So how can I expect to be able to wrap my head around the idea that I should be so very grateful for the humblest of any meal that I may receive? I suppose I cant, This is something I must seek out. You see I'm on a spiritual journey now, and part of that is trying to understand why myself and so many other people are disturbed, depressed, lost, the list goes on and on. Have I become so de-sensitized to the core things that I really need, that I simply take them for granted without even questioning the amazing circumstances that go into my cup running over and over, every day of my life?, frankly YES! This is an exercise that I do every now and then to snap myself back into reality. I hold my breath ,10 seconds go by, and now my main focus is no longer on whatever It was that I thought I couldn't live without. 15 seconds, I am no longer interested in what I was supposed to be doing or where I was going. 20 seconds, I no longer care about my car my job and a number of things that until my recent lack of oxygen were so very important to me. 30 seconds go by and the ONLY thing I'm concerned with is taking a breath of this air that has been given to me free of charge for 40 years.  Perhaps I should try fasting every now and then? Would that give birth to a deeper appreciation of the meals that I expect to be on time, hot and delicious at my slightest fancy. So this is what I'm on about, on the gray scale of my life, in the reality of what I need to be at peace and the excess that I'm blessed with, I should be bouncing around all over the place like daffy duck, when he goes crazy, at the sheer awesomeness of my comfortable existence. but all to often I find myself wanting for more or complaining with the air that has been given to me so freely. so little by little I will continue to explore and practice new ways to keep on realizing that I've never had it so good!! Love you all!! for real..

My spiritual bank

Neck deep in the middle of trying times it can be hard to stay grateful. Certainly when I feel that I'm doing the best that I can, I am remaining humble, and have set aside my selfish nature, Day by day I step up to the home plate of  life and give it  my best swing. Here they come, curve balls, a whole lot of heat, change ups, and your occasional spitball, No Fair!! and there's no guaranty that I'm going to win this game, never mind the world series. OK enough baseball analogy's. You get my point, life's  not fair and what do I have to be grateful for when I bust my hump and keep getting the dirty end of the stick. I mean its like every days a game of cream the guy with the ball and I'm "THE GUY" and the ball is nothing more then my  humble attempt to forge out a productive living for my loving family. When I get in these kind of moods I have to bring out my precision tools. This is a trick Ive learned over 2 years of recovery while the wreckage of my past choke slams me on a daily basis. First of all I have to hit the refresh button on my attitude of surrender, remember there's only one thing I have to do perfect and that's stay sober. OK now Ive realigned myself to the truth that nowadays I suit up show up, and trust the results to a force much grater than the formerly  almighty ME. I already feel liberated. Next, I remember that the reward for my willingness, honesty, tolerance and love Is waiting for me in someplace far greater than Margate, go figure. Now this is the clutch for me, gets me out of first gear every time. I remember that beautiful sunny day I relaxed in the sun and snapped this picture of my wife her daughter and my niece jumping on a trampoline. and I thank God for that moment. Take a minute relax and find a memory that your grateful for, and If you don't have one go make one! Love you all, For real!!