Thrown to the lions.

About 2,500 years ago a man's decision to own his choices, and move forward in faith, brings me hope now. Now by no means am I comparing myself to the profit Daniel, in the tales of the trials he endured the reason  for his  troubles were the result of sticking to his guns when it came to his beliefs. As opposed to me where most of my troubles are a result of  me being selfish and wasted, Ouch! the truth hurts, however, now that I am aware of what caused my problems and have addressed those areas,(and continue to on a daily basis) I can now move on to how to get through them. I can now own the choices that I have made in the past instead of blaming everyone else and running away from them. Just as I choose to own my daily decision  to remain present in this moment, and have faith and hope in what the next moment will bring. I now choose to look at the lions den as a lesson, A place to practice and refine the new sight I've been gracefully given.

Want every minuet of your life.

Here, Now, and what I'm doing in this moment is where the secret to peace, joy and serenity is. Rember the bumper stickers "I'd rather be flying. skydiving, sleeping. Ect, Ect." understandable mentality, Alot of things that make up our day to day lives can seem boring or even unpleasent at times. However, If I find a positive motivation for anything and everything that, on a moment to moment basis I'm involved with. My preception shifts from geting past this minuet to get to a more pleasent one, to seeing how valuable this one is, and using it to I'ts fullest potantial.

I have to ask myself.

I have to ask myself, Why? why am I anxious, why am I angry, why am I really doing this or that? Why? why? why? I'm like a 5 year old.  The lost state I ended up in drove me to not trust my feelings anymore, because acting on my feelings always led me straight into the same mess that destroyed my former life, Why?  This was a key piece of the puzzle for me "we experience anxiety when we impose unrealistic beliefs upon ourselves, We experience anger when we impose unrealistic beliefs  upon others", Spencer Lords (the brain mechanic), You see I had two states for about 20 years, Anxious and angry or high and drunk. when I got rid of the high and drunk, and the anxious and angry was still there I wanted to know why. Thank God for the fellowship, Thank God for God, and every beautiful weirdo that had drug themselves out from behind a dumpster and  gotten sober or clean or however you want to say it. they had the answer in its simplest form, and they pointed me in the right direction. Willingness to change did the rest. allot like the way our brains fill in the gaps in our vision with what it assumes is there. my brain was filling in the gaps of my beliefs with information that was simply not true, and I excepted it as fact. As a result of this blind faith regarding my thoughts, I constantly experienced harmful negative emotions, and intern fixed those emotions/feelings the best way I knew how. Now I'm learning to check the whole thought process before I form a belief on any given situation. It took throwing away allot of  beliefs that I thought were what made me, me. truth be told the only purpose they ever served was keeping me sick. all the make it or break it statements I had like, they cant do that, I cant stand this, I wont put up with that, I have to do this, or they have to do this or that,  had to go. Tell you the truth nobody has to do anything including me,  and If there actually had been something in my life so far that I could not take, I wouldn't be writing this now. Out of the three things that guide our actions.there are situations, beliefs and feelings, there's only one  we can control. Life is always going to be life, its a constant up and down, good and bad easy and hard, the only thing that never changes is how much it changes.Negative emotions can be put up with for a period of time. they can be suppressed or ignored, but stay angry, nervous, or depressed for any serious amount of time and the old solution starts to look real good. So the only thing left is my beliefs, witch directly affect my feelings/emotions , Who says I have to get angry if you cut me off in traffic, or that I have to be anxious when I might loose my job, or I have to be depressed because I'm starting over at 40, Nobody! and if they do there lying. So I stopped putting such heavy demands on my self and others and started to choose to believe that what was happening in my life was exactly what was supposed to be happening, and then I simply move forward in faith and love.

Walk through fire.

My first step into recovery was a cold turkey detox on a country jail cell floor. the poison leaked, seeped, spewed, and exploded out of mostly every orifice of my shaking body, EWWW!. Two of the substances that I was involuntarily quitting can kill you in the detox process, and the others in combination caused auditory, visual, and tactile hallucinations. hell, and that's it. Is how I would explain that experience. My original views on how recovery was going to change my life served a great purpose, however, the life that my eyes are opening up to now, I could have never imagined. I cant help but study the path that has brought me from there to here, I cant help but examine the awakenings and breakthroughs that are responsible for this new life that is being formed almost on a day to day basis.Yesterday I read a sentence, "Adversity fuels a fire prosperity could never form". These words hit so close to home with me they gave me chills. Wow! am I becoming grateful for every beating Ive received  mentally, Physically, emotionally, and spiritually? Well... Yes! My initial motivation for getting sober was to get rid of all the lame consequences that leading a reckless life wasted bring about, and it worked! Yes there are residuals, but now that I can feel my feelings I see that life's trials, and walking through them is what makes me a better me. Not just a better me but a powerful me, a peaceful me. That's what I always wanted, and could never achieve because every time an obstacle  appeared in my life I ran full speed in the opposite direction.This went on and on until I ended up cornered and there was no where to go except forward. Forward through the fire, sober, no matter how bad I thought it was going to hurt. funny thing, It only hurt half as much as I had expected,and when I arrived at the other side still alive and stronger, I wasn't as afraid of the next flaming hoop I was supposed to leap through.. There was something else I hadn't predicted, other people. Other people walking through the fire with me. They help me and I help them, and the feeling I get when I help others is what Ive grown to enjoy the most. Brothers and sisters my bottom was low, and dark but that's not what makes this work. What makes it work is willingness to change. I was just so stubborn that I had to experience true pain in order to see the path to peace. My birth into recovery had to be a cesarean section or I would have died, and now I see so clearly that I was never meant to put what I had back together, but learn there was something entirely new and beautiful that I was to become.

Mice and Monsters.

So many sleepless nights in my past, so many times I swore disaster was eminent. I could worry myself sick, and so I did, literately.  Looking back at all the bullets Ive managed to dodge, Ive begun to see a pattern.            My obsessive worry and anxiety never served any purpose outside of making me and everyone else around me ill, and the monster of a problem was never as terrible as I had made it out to be in my dramatic fantasy's of  horror and suffering. I mean seriously, If somebody looked at me funny, I could conjure up the most ridicules worst case scenario outcome that was possible, worry then panic then act on unfounded beliefs and make everything 10 times worse. this became a habitual way of  thinking and acting  for me. It took certain problems of a truly serious nature to wake me up enough to break this habit. In the course of 20 years of addiction and the mess that I created along side of it, Ive experienced just about every lose lose situation you could imagine. this pattern perpetuated itself. until finally at 40 I have an impending prison sentence to consider. All of my past dilemmas pale in contrast to my current situation. HOLD ON, here's the blessing in the mess. all of the end of the world deals that I lived through in the past, are now my instruction manuals on how not to handle this seemingly imposable self rendered nightmare.Through this experience I have been given so much insight on what truly matters, as opposed to what I tend to think/believe matters, that I have a peace that defies all understanding. So nowadays when I'm scared I have to ask myself is this a mouse or a monster I'm so afraid of , and even if it really is a monster, when I move forward in faith and love, God will carry me through, always.  I.'m here to tell you, even through the worst of sobriety, I've never had it so good!